To fake it till you make it or to be authentic?

When I was in elementary school, my physics teacher – a very good-hearted, but often contradicting herself – once looked at the class and said: “I’ve never told you, but let me repeat.” She proceeded to explain whatever she was trying to explain at the moment, but the rest of the class and I couldn’t stop laughing. Although we had been kind of used to her way of expression by that point, this one was a true gem. How could she repeat something she’d never told us before?! I still grin when I recall that day. And I wish I could also remember something from the actual physics lessons, but that’s a different topic.

Clashing messages

I always remember this story when I hear contradictory statements. For example, I find “Fake it till you make it” and “Be authentic; be vulnerable” to be clashing messages. The former, an advice often given to people who feel that they don’t belong, tells us not to display our real feelings. The latter, on the other hand, urges us to show how we really feel in order to make us more approachable.

Now, I might not be a native English speaker, but I do know that the words “fake” and “authentic” are antonyms. To be fair, I do realize that the “Fake it till you make it” advice is not meant to tell people to be a fraud, but to act as though they are confident in moments where they lack confidence; to pretend that they are in their desired state of being before having actually achieved it. In other words, if you want to be a successful entrepreneur, act like one before being one and keep acting until you become one. There is plenty of literature out there expressing the pros and cons of this strategy, so I’m not going to discuss it here. I’m more interested in the clash between the two – fake it and be authentic.

“Be authentic; be vulnerable” is a fairly new phenomenon that has gained in popularity over the last few years. There are also many publications about how to be authentic. The definition that most of them come up with is similar: A person who acts in ways that genuinely show how they feel.

Two opposite ideas

So we have two opposite ideas:

1. Even if you are not confident, don’t show how you really feel and pretend to be confident

The idea behind this is that this behavior will eventually help you to become confident.

2. Act in a way that you genuinely feel and show vulnerability

The idea behind this is that this will make you more relatable and will make people like you more.

What does this mean when it comes to building confidence in English?

If you are confused and can’t decide which advice to follow, you are not alone. Personally, I’ve tried the “faking” one on a few occasions, but it doesn’t work for me. I guess I’m a terrible faker. But being totally authentic is not the best choice in certain situations either. Imagine that you have to present something in English and you are so scared that you start crying or run away. That kind of authenticity is not going to fly.

But there is no need for such a rigid dichotomy. You don’t have to be either fake or extremely vulnerable. Not being able to fully express yourself in another language is normal. But unfortunately many people become frustrated if they can’t eloquently express every idea in English. As a result, they start doubting themselves and lose confidence.

Five tips on how to keep it real and stay confident at the same time

Remember that learning a foreign language is not just about what comes out of your mouth. You also develop a slightly different personality. And sometimes you might feel like you are losing your true self. Below are five tips on how to stay true to yourself and, at the same time, boost your confidence without being fake.

1. Embrace your fear and practice speaking

If you wait for that moment when you will feel confident and ready to give a perfect speech in English, you will be waiting forever. The more we learn, the more we realize that there is so much more to learn. And that’s ok. To practice, you can listen to great speakers for inspiration. You can find great TED talks on YouTube, try to imitate a speaker that you admire, and record yourself. When you listen to your own recording, you will hear details that you are unable to hear while you speak. Embrace fear and speak despite being afraid. Remember, you are your most vicious critic. No one else judges you as harshly as you judge yourself.

2. Allow yourself to make mistakes and be ok with them

This is the kind of healthy authenticity that will show that you are genuine yet confident. If you forget a word or mispronounce a sound in English, just remind yourself that this is not your native language and just keep going. Focus on the message that you want to communicate and not on the fact that you can’t find the perfect word at the moment. You can even say: “I know a better word to express what I’m trying to say, but I can’t think of it now.” Then think of another way to express the idea. This way, you show vulnerability and confidence at the same time.

3. Be your confident self

Confidence comes with knowledge, but also with being true to yourself. When you practice, you can imitate speakers that you admire. But your goal should be to develop your own style. Remember, you are never going to satisfy every single person on Earth, so don’t seek approval.

4. Work hard

At the same time work on your English constantly and systematically. Learn more words, try to understand and use grammatical structures that will allow you to express your thoughts and feelings freely. Knowledge always brings confidence in a natural way, so you won’t have to fake it.

5. Confront microaggression

Microaggression is indirect, subtle discrimination. Although it might be unintentional, it is important to confront it. If you are fluent in English but someone asks you if you understand a word, ask them why they think you wouldn’t. If people ask “where are you from?” the moment you open your mouth, ask them why they need to know. Don’t get me wrong, some people are genuinely interested, but many ask just because they hear an accent and they don’t really care about the answer. Stay calm and polite, but always confront microaggressions. By doing so, you show vulnerability and confidence at the same time.

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Have you ever “faked” confidence? If yes, did it work for you? Let me know in the comments.

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