Every now and then some of my Polish and American friends would tell me that they sometimes forget I’m not a native Polish or English speaker. As a side note, these are two languages I’ve learned as an adult. But it’s not because I never make mistakes. I’m not perfect and I’m definitely not sharing this with you to brag. This is because, despite occasional hiccups, I make my conversation partners FEEL so comfortable that they treat me like a native speaker. How do I do that? I do it through adjusting my body language, facial expressions, gestures and reactions overall to match native speakers’ expectations. This is called nonverbal communication or paralinguistics. In this post I’ll share with you what paralinguistics is and how to take advantage of it.
You see, many English learners are mainly focused on correct grammar, fancy vocabulary, and perfect pronunciation. They think that if they never make a mistake, people wouldn’t be able to tell them apart from native speakers. And of course, don’t get me wrong, as an English teacher I absolutely focus on grammar, vocabulary, and pronunciation. But I honestly think that in traditional language classes cross-cultural training and paralinguistics are a little neglected.
Paralinguistics includes body language, facial expressions, the sounds that you make when you think, hand gestures, pitch and tone of voice. It also includes the way you react and behave in certain situations, and all other things that are part of the communication process that you don’t express literally using only words. By the way, I have another post about what surprised me in the US. I think you will find it interesting.
Paralinguistics
Now let’s look at some of the aspects of paralinguistics.
Body language
The first aspect is body language. This includes facial expressions, hand gestures, nodding when others speak, anything that you do with your body consciously or unconsciously.
I remember once talking to an American guy; actually, he was talking and I was listening. It was in the beginning when I came to the US and my English was still rusty. This man kept talking to me about something I don’t even remember now. But I do remember that I was actively listening. I was nodding, looking at him, smiling, humming and sometimes saying AHA in a way that local people do. This let him know that I was listening to him. At the end of our conversation – which as I said was more of a monologue – he looked at me and said: “Wow, your English is so good.”
I almost laughed because I had barely opened my mouth. But he thought that my English was great because of my native-like body language.
If you’d like to do the same, just observe what people do when they say certain things. If you don’t live in an English-speaking country, watch movies and tv shows. They are a great source of learning about culture.
Reactions
Another aspect of paralinguistics is how you react in certain situations. For example, here in the US, if you see someone struggling with something, before you jump in to help, you first need to ask the person if they need help. Even when it’s obvious.
I remember once, it was my first year in the US, when I saw a blind woman struggling to cross the street. Instead of asking her if I could help her, I just grabbed her by the elbow and walked her across the street.
This was something that I’d seen people in my native country do and I assumed this behavior was universal. At the time, I thought I had done something nice. But after having lived in the US for a while, I cringe when I remember this story.
Another example is offering cookies or other treats to kids without asking their parents. This is a big NO-NO here. I remember when my grandma came to visit. She loved little kids. And every time she’d see a small child playing outside, she would touch the child’s face and smile.
This is normal for older people in Bulgaria when they see sweet little children. But in the US, you can’t touch the kids of people you don’t know. I tried to explain this to my grandma, but at her age, she refused to comply. She found it strange. So, unfortunately, I had to be embarrassed many times.
Eye contact
Another component of non-verbal communication is eye contact. In the US, people usually expect you to look them in the eyes when you talk to them. But I know that in some other cultures this can be rude. In some countries you don’t look in the eyes of others who you perceive to be above you on the hierarchical scale. People from some cultures look down or slightly away. But in the US, even if you speak perfect English, looking down or away when you speak to someone could seem a bit off. This doesn’t mean you have to constantly stare, but appropriate eye contact is expected. It might be hard at first to get used to it, but I’m just mentioning it because you’d look more natural if you do it, despite your level of grammar, vocabulary, or pronunciation.
Voice and sounds
The next thing is our voice and the sounds we make in different situations. There is something about the voice placement and the different sounds we make that gives us away. I think our voice and pitch develops in different ways depending on the country we were born in.
For example, I can recognize Bulgarian, Polish, or Russian speakers when I hear them on the street, even if I can’t hear the words. I think different voices are beautiful and we should celebrate our diversity.
Also, when we think, when we are scared, surprised, or happy, we make different noises that are not words. For example, when Americans think, they say Uhm, but I’ve heard people from other countries say A, E, or even a short Hm when they think. Again, this is an instinct we’ve built since we were little and it’s hard to get rid of. But I think there is no need to try to get rid of it, unless you want to appear 100% native.
Smell
Another aspect of non-verbal communication is smell. Women in some other countries use way more perfume than in the US. To be honest, I personally love perfume and I still use it. But I’m very conscious as to how much I use. I only spray a little bit behind my ears and a drop on the inner sides of my wrists.
Here many people are allergic to different kinds of smells and Americans overall don’t like it when someone’s scent is too strong. Even if it’s an expensive perfume. So, be mindful, especially at work or if you are going to a job interview. Some body lotion after a shower, if you like using lotion, is more than enough.
Time
The next thing is time and tardiness. Being on time is very important in the US. I have many friends from other countries where being one or even two hours late for an appointment is totally ok. But Americans may get irritated if you are constantly late. So, if this is your weakness, you can set your alarm clock an hour before the meeting to make sure you arrive on time.
Sadness and happiness
Another thing I want to discuss is how different cultures express sadness and happiness.
For example, during funerals, people in some countries are expected to openly show their emotions and cry. But many Americans are not comfortable with that kind of expression. Many of them keep their feelings to themselves.
Mind you, there are different cultures within the US and even people who were born here can react differently depending on the family and environment they were raised in. But I’m sharing my own experience of what I have personally seen.
On the other hand, many Americans are way more vocal when they are happy. My ESL teacher once told me that it was super strange for her how her Slavic students expressed happiness. According to her, their tone of voice didn’t sound happy when they claimed to be super excited. This was funny to me because I also don’t raise my pitch a lot when I say I’m happy. But today, when I speak English, I try to be a little more expressive.
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The point of this post is for you guys to see that perfect grammar and rich vocabulary is not everything when it comes to how native speakers see you. It’s important to also pay attention to paralinguistics, or things you don’t express with words.
Of course, you don’t have to change anything if you don’t want to. But I just wanted you to be aware because, unfortunately, they don’t teach a lot about cross-cultural differences in traditional language classes.
Were any of the things I shared here new to you? Leave me a comment and let me know.
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