There’s something about bridges. They always remind me of the time when I left my native country and began my life as a “foreigner.” I don’t know why they have such an effect on me; maybe because they always connect two pieces of something – land, buildings, or anything that needs to be connected. So any time I cross a bridge I remember when I took the leap from my old, familiar life, and arrived in the United States with almost no English.
The first bridge
I crossed my first proverbial bridge in my early 20s by moving from my native Bulgaria to Poland, where I met my husband, and where we lived together for two years. That was my first experience being “the foreigner”, learning a second language, and a new culture. I enjoyed that time in Poland. But when my husband got hired by an American company, I was happy to move to the United States.
The second bridge
After a few days in the US, my husband’s new employer, which earlier helped with our visas and relocation, offered us a cross-cultural training. This is a training that many large American companies offer to people who move to the US from different countries. They want to make sure that there are no cultural misunderstandings.
After all, America used to be called “the melting pot” because of the many cultures that needed to mold into one. I always feel a bit sad when I hear the term “melting pot.” It makes me think of a beautiful golden ring that no one wants in a form of ring anymore. They still need the gold, but they think it would be better as earrings, so they melt the ring and convert it to earrings. The new product is shiny and beautiful, and with each time being put on the ears, it gradually starts to forget that, once before, it used to embellish the finger. Although people don’t see America as a melting pot anymore and different cultures are appreciated, cross-cultural training programs are still offered as a way to minimize awkward situations.
When I found out that our cross-cultural training would be two days long, I was surprised and a little skeptical. I couldn’t understand why we need two full days of cross-cultural training when we were coming from Europe. What could be so different? After all, I had watched so many American movies and didn’t see anything shockingly different. But I was soon to find out that the difference was in the subtleties.
What we learned during the cross-cultural training
When people choose to move to a different country, most of them go through four phases of adjustment.
Phase 1 – The honeymoon (or everything here is amazing!)
In the beginning most people experience a honeymoon stage. This stage can last from the beginning to up to a few months and it is the period of time when everything in the new country seems to be fascinating. The new environment, the new people, the food, the nature, the buildings – everything is new and exciting. This is the phase when you feel lucky, thankful and euphoric.
Phase 2 – The culture shock (or what did I get myself into?)
Not too long after somewhere between the fourth and ninth month, however, reality hits. You need to learn the local language; even if you already speak it, you find out that you still don’t understand many words and phrases. And you are also frustrated when others don’t understand you. You start missing your family, friends, food, and just normal things that you used to do back home. It is during this stage that you might experience some cultural crush that could be challenging.
There are certain things that Americans take for granted and think that are obvious just because they know about it. For example, when I first moved to the US, I didn’t know that when I saw a price tag on an item I wanted to purchase, the money that I would end up paying was actually more than what was written on the tag because the tax was not included. Or that I was expected to pay 15% tip (which now is 20-25%) on the top of my restaurant check. Or that you never touch anyone else’s child, even when you want to help out.
These are all things that you are expected to know. Not to mention that every state has a different law and you might be very surprised when you travel even withing the country. I remember when my husband and I rented a car in Philadelphia and asked the agent why there was no front registration plate on the vehicle. She looked at us as though we were from another planet. “There is one on the back,” she answered, looking perplexed. Then we found out that in the state of Pennsylvania only the back registration plate is required.
During this stage, many people are tempted to go back home because they feel lonely and misunderstood. But during our cross-cultural training we found out that this is the worst time to leave our new country because we would be tempted to never return. This period of frustration, they assured us, would eventually come to an end.
Phase 3 – The adjustment (or this place is not so bad after all)
Believe it or not, you will not be frustrated forever. Although some people remain stuck in the culture shock phase and can’t stop complaining for a very long time, most people adjust. This happens approximately nine months after arrival, although the actual timing may vary for different people. This is the time to go visit your family and friends back home because you won’t be reluctant to return to your new country. During this phase, you learn to accept the differences between the two cultures. Out of a sudden, everything starts to make sense. You are no longer convinced that you were born into the smartest culture and language and learn that there is not only one way to look at or do certain things. This doesn’t necessarily mean that you agree with everything, but you understand that your way is not the only way.
Phase 4 – The mastery (or this is my new home)
Now you are fully adjusted. You most probably speak the language of your new country, have friends, know your way around, and have created new habits. Now, you are officially bicultural.
Five unspoken rules that I learned on my own
Although we talked about other things during this two-day training, these four phases of adjustment were the information that I remembered the most. Maybe because I, just having arrived in the US, a country I had always dreamed of, couldn’t understand why anyone would ever enter the culture shock phase. “What culture shock?” I thought back then. I was so happy to be here.
But I have to admit that I’ve been fortunate enough to have only briefly swung by the culture shock stage; maybe because I had already lived in a foreign country before coming to the US. Still, I faced some hiccups in the beginning. Here are some unspoken rules that I learned on my own:
Rule 1 – Always ask first if the person needs help
If you see someone struggling and want to help out, always ask first if the person needs help. Unlike in my native Bulgaria where you rush to help a person who obviously needs help, in the US you need to respect the individual’s personal space. For example, I remember once when I saw a blind woman struggling to cross the street. Instead of asking her if I could help her, I just grabbed her by the elbow and walked her cross the street. At the time, I thought I had done something nice. But after having lived in the US for a while, I cringe when I remember this story.
Rule 2 – “How are you?” means “hello”
In the beginning, it was weird to me when strangers in the grocery store, coffee shop, or restaurant would ask me how I was. But in the US, this is equivalent to “hello.” No one really wants to know how you really feel. However, Americans love small talk, so if you have something positive to share about your day, go ahead.
Rule 3 – The meaning of “Are you still working on it?” question
When eating at a restaurant, if the server keeps coming every five minutes to ask you if “you are still working on it” or if you need anything else, it’s not only because they are being nice. They most probably want you to leave so that they can seat someone else on that table. This way they get more tips. Servers in the US don’t earn a regular salary, so the more people leave them tips, the better for them.
Rule 4 – Almost everyone is on a first-name basis
Unlike in many other countries, you can call your boss or even your college professor by the first name. You just need to pay attention how people introduce themselves the first time they meet you. If your boss said: “Hi, I’m Kathy,” you don’t want to keep calling her “ma’am” or by her last name. Americans prefer to be less formal.
Rule 5 – Host wouldn’t insist if you decline the offer
If you go to someone’s house and the host offers you some food or a drink, they wouldn’t insist if you decline the offer. Back in Bulgaria, hosts might ask you several times, because they think that you might be shy. In the US, however, insisting is seen as pushy. So if you want that cookie, accept it when they offer it to you the first time.
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Although I’ve lived in the US for many years and feel that I’m well-adjusted, I still vividly remember my first days and months here. It wasn’t easy to learn the new language and to get used to the new culture. But I am incredibly thankful for all I have and all I’ve been through.
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Have you ever had to adjust to a different culture? Leave a comment and share how hard or easy was this experience for you.
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