When people choose a story to tell, most focus on their successes. But today I want to tell you a story about failure – my failure to help a friend “fix” her essay that she wrote for her English class.
Years ago, when I first started college, I met an Iranian girl in the math class I was taking. The two of us were the only nonnative speakers in the class and, maybe because of that, we quickly bonded. A few weeks after we met, my new friend asked me to help her correct her essay she wrote for her English class. I’d told her that I’d been planning to major in Journalism, so she trusted that I would give her valuable feedback. I took her paper home and promised to read it that night.
From an editor to a captivated reader
The first thought I had when I started reading was that this essay needed to be completely rewritten. There was hardly a sentence without a grammar mistake. But I kept reading and I was captivated.
She shared her heartbreaking story about being married off at the age of 14 and coming to America to join the stranger who was now her husband. She wrote about not knowing a word of English when she was in the hospital giving birth to her first child. And she also shared how, despite her husband’s objections, she signed up for English classes because she wanted to regain her independence. The story went on and the more I read, the more fascinated I was by the strength and determination of this young woman. I no longer saw grammar and spelling mistakes. What I saw was a human being sharing her life in an incredibly raw and vulnerable way.
Once I finished reading, I started thinking about how to help my friend. I corrected all grammar and spelling, but what I noticed is that some of the authenticity that made this work gut punching impactful was gone. In the end, I did help my friend to get a good grade in her class because, after all, in English classes grammar and spelling mistakes are not acceptable. But along with the mistakes, the rawness of the essay was somewhat lost. Now I understand that back then I focused too much on grammar and spelling. What mattered more, however, was my friend’s authenticity and desire to share.
Many English learners are afraid to speak because they make mistakes
Now, when I ask my students why they are hesitant to speak in English, many of them say that they are afraid of making mistakes. Unfortunately, there is a broad misconception about what makes someone a good communicator or an excellent speaker. Many people think that it’s ability to produce grammatically correct sentences. But mistakes don’t really matter that much if the message comes from the heart.
How to be an impactful communicator
Below are five things to consider if you want to be a powerful communicator.
1. Listen
When we think of communication, oftentimes the first thing that comes to mind is speaking. But the ability to listen effectively is equally important. When you really care about what the other person has to say, not only would you be perceived to be a better communicator, but you will also learn new things and ways of expression. Put your cell phone away, look at the person who is speaking, and listen without thinking about how to respond. Sometimes people just need to feel heard and understood.
2. Turn off the survival brain and turn on the creative one
When you focus on your mistakes, you are constantly trying to “survive” in the conversation. This prevents the creative part of your brain from shining. Remember that the core of your message is more important than using fancy words and perfect grammar. Instead of: “My English is bad and no one listens to me,” tell yourself: “What I have to say might help someone else.” If you forget about yourself and focus on others, you will find it easier to express your ideas and you will realize that no one is judging your English.
3. Choose abundance over scarcity
If you can communicate in English at all, it means that you have already learned a certain amount of words and grammar. Instead of focusing on the expressions you still don’t know, celebrate the ones you do. If you were able to come this far, you are capable of going way farther. Just be patient and celebrate your achievements.
4. Stay curious
When you are curious about the world, you seek to learn more. And when you are genuinely interested in what others have to say, people will want to talk to you. Ask questions, share your knowledge, and accept that you don’t have to be perfect in order to be influential.
5. Be empathetic
Empathy is the ability to understand and share others’ feelings. If you are empathetic, you will be able to see if your interlocutor doesn’t understand what you are trying to say. If you see that the person you are speaking with looks slightly confused, modify your message by choosing different words. Good communicators look not only for verbal feedback, they are able to read the other person’s body language as well.
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Have you ever stopped yourself from saying something because you didn’t feel ready to speak up? Would you feel embarrassed if you made a mistake in English? Let me know in the comments or just email me.
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