Back in the days when I worked in Journalism and had to interview people, I would record the interviews and then listen to them again before writing an article. This was easier for me than taking notes because it allowed me to just listen and be fully present while the interviewee was speaking. But when I had to go back to the recording, I cringed at the sound of my own voice so much that I used to always fast forward to the interviewee’s answer without listening to my question. If I accidentally heard my voice, I would always find something to criticize. I just hated the way I sounded.
But I wanted this to change. I wanted to become a more confident speaker and I knew that if I let go of self-criticism and focused on the story itself, I’d be a better journalist and communicator overall.
Of course, this was easier said than done. I just couldn’t convince myself that I liked my voice. But one day, I reacalled a story that had happened several years ago while I was still in college. I’m not sure what triggered that memory, but it sure was what I needed at the moment. This was a story about voice and now I’d like to share it with you hoping that it will help you, as it helped me, to reevaluate how you feel about your own voice.
One day, in my Linguistics class we had a speaker who came to present something from her PhD research. To be honest, I don’t remember what the topic was. What I do remember though was her coming with a friend, who sat in the back of the classroom. The speaker started by asking the students in the front row if they could hear her well. Then she raised her voice a little and asked the same question to the students in the back rows. Then she began. I would be lying if I told you that I was interested. To me, it was just another presentation I had to listen to as a part of the class I was taking. That was until something caught my attention. And this “something” was a noise coming from outside and the speaker’s reaction to it.
It was one of the first warm days in early spring in Minneapolis, Minn., and the window was open. Everyone was tired of the long winter and was eager to enjoy some fresh air coming from outside. Suddenly, there was an airplane noise coming through the window and we, the students, couldn’t hear the speaker anymore. But instead of stopping to wait for the noise to go away, she kept talking. I wondered why. Then I saw her quick glimpse towards the back of the room where her friend raised her hand and moved her fingers. And I realized: this was not her friend; it was her interpreter. She couldn’t hear. After the plane was gone, she continued with her presentation. Her voice was smooth and controlled again. I was stunned. I couldn’t stop wondering: How is this possible?
Mind you, all this happened very fast, and although I was fascinated, I didn’t spend too much time thinking about this day later on. It wasn’t until I realized how many people, including me, were choosing not to speak up (because they didn’t feel comfortable with the sound of their voice) that the memory of this occurrence started to trickle into my mind. It occurred to me that the speaker didn’t even have the chance to love or hate her voice because she couldn’t hear it. But, nevertheless, she chose to use it in order to share her knowledge with others. I slowly started diverting from the thought that I didn’t like my voice and focused on appreciating that fact that I had one and I was able to hear it.
Why we dislike our own voices
I am yet to meet a person who loves their own voice. Even great speakers have to get used to their own voices before they gain the confidence to use them freely. There are a few reasons why people dislike their own voices and they are due to a mixture of psychology and physiology.
1. Familiarity
When we hear our own voice from an audio recording, it sounds differently from what we hear when the voice comes out of our mouth. This is because when we speak, we hear our voice through both vibrations in our own skull and through the air. We perceive our voice to be lower and deeper because when we speak, we hear our voice as a result of not only external, but also internal conduction, which boosts the lower frequencies.
The sound from the recording, however, goes directly to our ears and this makes it sound unfamiliar to us. We usually perceive it to be higher-pitched and thinner. This is because of the lack of the internal bone conduction that we experience when we speak. And this “strange” voice we hear coming from the recording makes us wince and wonder if we really sound this way. This mismatch between self-perception and reality can make us question our own identity.
There is only one way to become better acquainted with our own voice: listening to it as often as we can. This might appear to be a difficult and cringeworthy task, but it is achievable.
When I started recording more videos I had a hard time watching them in the beginning. I felt as though someone forced me to put on headphones made out of stinging nettle. But the more I did it, the more comfortable I became with my voice and now I am completely used to it. That is, I can objectively listen to myself without any extra (and totally needless) criticism.
2. Self-consciousness and unrealistic expectations
Listening to your own voice is already jarring enough. But listening to your voice in another language adds to the distress. Now not only do you detest the sound of your voice, but you also give yourself an extra hard time for your foreign accent. And if you start comparing yourself to native speakers or other nonnative speakers who you think speak better than you, you find yourself in a downward spiral of negative thoughts.
In such situations, try to remember that what you have to say matters and don’t dwell on the quality of your voice. In fact, what you perceive is actually not what other people experience. According to a study that had patients rate their own voices in recordings, these patients reported more negative thoughts about their voices compared to the more objective ratings of the clinicians. So if you find yourself castigating the “weird” voice in the recording, remember that you are a victim of your own brain’s skewed reality.
3. Criticism from others
Another reason for not liking the way you sound might be other people’s comments. These comments don’t have to be overtly negative. Sometimes the subtleness in a comment is what gets to us the most. For example, if people keep asking you “where are you from?” although you have lived in the US (or another English-speaking country) for years, you might become overly conscious of your accent. Or maybe you think that in order to sound powerful, you need to change your pitch because, for many years, society has been instilling in us what “power” should sound like. Regardless of what the comments are, they usually have insidious effects on us.
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From my personal experience I’ve found out that, although some insecurities never fully disappear, they tremendously shrink if they are not avoided. So, if you don’t like to listen to your recorded voice, force yourself to do exactly the opposite – listen to it more. After some time, not only are you going to become more comfortable with it, but you will start noticing nuances that you didn’t pay attention to before. Then you will more objectively know what you’d need to work on if you still want to change something in the way you sound. Knowing yourself and not relying on others to tell you how you sound is tremendously powerful.
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How well do you know your voice? Do you cringe every time you hear a recording of you speaking? Let me know in the comment section or shoot me an email. Remember, we are all in this together.
Note: I obtained some of the information for this blog post from this article.
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